Recognisable client types in the work of a Pro Domme

Anyone who works as a Pro Domme for a longer period discovers that no two clients are the same. Every person brings their own background, desires, expectations, insecurities and experience. Even so, certain patterns can be recognised in requests and intakes. Not so much in what someone desires, but above all in the way someone makes contact, communicates, formulates expectations and deals with boundaries and agreements.

Recognising such patterns is not an invitation to put people in boxes. Quite the opposite. A professional approach actually requires you to keep seeing the person behind a request. Someone who comes across as insecure may later turn out to be a particularly pleasant client, while a confident and excellently worded first email says nothing yet about how someone deals with boundaries.

Still, experience helps you interpret behaviour more quickly. It means you do not have to reinvent the wheel every time. You learn to recognise when someone mainly needs clarity, when expectations need to be adjusted and when it is wise to keep more distance. Sometimes that recognition even helps you decide that someone simply does not fit your way of working.

The exploring client

The exploring client knows that BDSM attracts him or her, but does not yet have a clear picture of exactly what is being sought. The first request therefore often contains a lot of questions. What is possible? How does an appointment go? What is expected? Is a particular fantasy strange? Sometimes different desires are mentioned that at first glance hardly seem to fit together.

This type can easily be mistaken for someone who does not know what he wants. However, that need not be a problem at all. Especially with people taking their first steps in BDSM, exploring is actually a healthy part of the process.

As a professional, you can help this client by providing structure. Ask targeted questions instead of immediately presenting all the possibilities. Ask, for example, which idea appeals to someone most, what feeling he is looking for in it and what he specifically does not want to experience. This shifts the conversation from a collection of acts to the underlying need.

It is wise, however, to set limits on the amount of non-committal intake. A first introduction may contain information, but it does not have to become a complete personal advisory process before someone actually makes an appointment.

The fantasist

The fantasist, by contrast, usually has an exceptionally clear picture. In their mind, the scenario has often already been fully written. The roles have been assigned, the power relationship is fixed and there is often a description of how intense or far-reaching the dynamic should ultimately become.

Fantasy is of course an important part of BDSM and need not be problematic in itself at all. The risk arises when someone regards fantasy and reality as practically the same. Trust, surrender and an intense power dynamic can exist instantly in a fantasy. In reality, many of those elements have to grow.

With this type it is important not to ridicule the fantasy, but to bring it back to a realistic starting point. You can acknowledge what someone ultimately finds appealing and at the same time make clear that a first meeting is not the final destination.

A good question is therefore not only: “What do you want?”, but also: “What do you expect is needed for that?” This quickly reveals whether someone understands that trust, responsibility and mutual attunement are part of the process.

The quick decider

Some people are certain after a single message that you are the one they are looking for. They would prefer to fix a date immediately and seem to have little need for getting to know each other further.

For an entrepreneur that sounds attractive. No endless correspondence, but someone who knows what he wants and is prepared to actually book. Yet it is precisely speed that sometimes deserves extra attention.

In BDSM, enthusiasm can cause someone to agree more quickly than is wise. That is why an intake remains important, even when the client himself hardly seems to think it necessary. Check whether someone has read your way of working, understands what you do and do not offer, and has realistic expectations.

When that foundation is right, the quick decider can actually be a particularly pleasant client. Deciding quickly is, after all, something different from deciding impulsively.

The eternal information seeker

This type keeps asking questions. Every question answered leads to two new ones. Elaborate scenarios are discussed, alternatives explored and more and more details put forward. Yet the conversation never really gets any closer to an appointment.

This need not happen deliberately. Some people are insecure and try to gain enough certainty by gathering more and more information. Others find the contact and the discussion of their desires exciting or satisfying in itself. This can unnoticeably create a situation in which you invest a great deal of professional time and attention without there being any serious intention to book.

A clear structure helps here. Answer reasonable questions, but at some point mark the transition from orientation to booking. Once the most important questions have been answered, you can indicate that further personal elaboration is part of the intake after an appointment has been made.

That is not unfriendly. Professional attention has value and does not have to be available without limit and without obligation.

The boundary tester

The boundary tester usually accepts your conditions without discussion, but then tries to discover how much room there is within them. Sometimes this happens very subtly. Can the appointment last a little longer? Can an exception be made after all? Is something that is normally not offered perhaps possible in this particular case?

A single question does not, of course, make someone a boundary tester. People are allowed to ask questions and conditions are not always entirely clear. The pattern emerges when a clear answer is not accepted as an answer and the same boundary is approached again and again from a different direction.

For a Pro Domme this is important information. The way someone deals with a relatively simple boundary before an appointment says something about how that person may later deal with other boundaries.

So be consistent. A boundary does not need to be defended or explained at length again and again. A clear answer is sufficient. If someone keeps negotiating after you have been clear, you may take that behaviour into account in your decision whether you want to work with this person.

The exception seeker

The exception seeker understands your way of working perfectly, but has a convincing reason why it should be applied just slightly differently in his situation. The deposit could perhaps be paid later (or even not at all), the intake could be skipped, a certain condition is not really necessary for him, or an exception surely should not be a problem.

Here too, a request is not wrong in itself. Sometimes exceptions are entirely reasonable. It is mainly about the matter-of-factness with which someone expects your structure to adapt to him.

It helps to decide in advance which parts of your way of working are flexible and which are not. That way you do not have to decide anew with every request. When you yourself know clearly where you want to offer room, it becomes much easier to say no kindly but consistently where that room does not exist.

The price-focused client

With the price-focused client, the conversation returns to money strikingly quickly. Why does an appointment cost so much? Can it be cheaper? Can a part be left out? Is a discount possible if someone comes more often?

Questions about costs are entirely legitimate. A professional service may be looked at critically and not everyone has the same budget. The difference lies mainly in the way someone approaches value.

When someone compares only hours and euros, it can help to explain briefly what is included in your rate: preparation, intake, location, materials, expertise, execution and any aftercare. You do not, however, have to defend your price endlessly.

Sometimes the conclusion is simply that your services fall outside someone’s budget. That does not make the client wrong, nor your rate. Not every professional and every client need to be a match.

The reassurance seeker

The reassurance seeker asks not only what is possible, but above all whether his desire is acceptable. “Don’t you find this strange?” “Have you heard this before?” “Do you think differently of me now?” Behind the practical question there is often a need for reassurance.

Within BDSM that is understandable. People may have desires for years that they talk about with virtually no one. The moment they actually tell someone about them for the first time can therefore feel much bigger than the professional on the other side of the screen realises.

Here a calm, non-judgemental attitude can mean a great deal. You do not have to find a desire personally appealing in order to treat someone with respect. At the same time, it is not your task to provide unlimited emotional reassurance.

So acknowledge the vulnerability, indicate clearly whether a desire fits within your way of working and keep the communication professional. It is often precisely that combination that provides the most safety.

The experienced connoisseur

The experienced client knows the terminology, has previous experiences and generally knows quite precisely what he is looking for. That can make the intake considerably easier.

Yet there is a different pitfall here. Experience with other Dominants does not automatically mean familiarity with your way of working. “My previous Mistress always did it this way” is information, but not an agreement about how you should do something.

So take experience seriously without making assumptions. Ask what someone enjoyed about previous experiences, what did not work and what expectations he has now as a result. In this way you use his experience as a source of information without making your own way of working subordinate to it.

A truly experienced client will generally understand that every Dominant has their own style, boundaries and responsibility.

The ideal client does not exist

Perhaps this is ultimately the most important type: the one who does not fit neatly into a single category.

A client can be exploring and decisive at the same time. A fantasist can deal with boundaries excellently. An experienced client may need reassurance. Someone who asks twenty questions during the first contact may go on to become a very pleasant regular client for years.

That is why these types are not diagnoses and certainly not labels you can stick on people. They are a tool for recognising behavioural patterns earlier and responding more consciously.

Professionalism does not mean that you have to accept everyone. Nor does it mean that you have to break off every difficult communication immediately. It means that you learn to distinguish what someone needs, what you can offer and where your responsibility ends.

Recognising without judging

The longer you work as a Pro Domme, the more you inevitably develop a feel for certain patterns. Sometimes you know after just a few lines that a conversation is likely to take up a lot of time. Sometimes, on the contrary, you sense immediately that the communication is going well.

That intuition is valuable, but it becomes stronger when you can substantiate it. What makes you hesitate? Does someone respect a first boundary? Are agreements being read? Is there reciprocity in the conversation? Is your time being respected? Can someone accept an answer that does not match his fantasy?

In this way, “I don’t have a good feeling about this” turns into professional observation.

And ultimately that may well be one of the most important skills in professional BDSM work. Not only learning what you can do with someone, but above all learning to recognise who you want to work with, under what conditions and why.

Mrs Moriah